So you’ve decided you want to be a bad developer, or perhaps you’re a good developer and you’re just sick of making things easier on yourself and being praised by your co-workers.

You’ve come to the right place, I have a few tips to help you flush your career down the toilet.

“Your code is perfect, first time, every time!”

Deep down inside you know it.

When Jane comes over and politely tells you she’s found a more efficient way of doing things, SHE’S WRONG!

When John says he thinks your code isn’t thread safe, WHO CARES. There’s always more threads doing the same thing anyway, redundancy right?

You’ve already written the code, it already works, why bother revisiting it, NEXT TASK.

“Lines per hour is the only KPI that matters!”

There are plenty of companies out there who need shit done fast, particularly in the gaming industry.

You’re always crunching. You complete tickets so fast JIRA crashes from the rate at which you move them from In Progress to Done. Is someone mad that you skipped code review or QA? Remind them that your code is perfect, first time, every time!

You are the fastest ticket clearer in the company, execs will love you.

“Documentation is for suckers!”

Comments, self documenting code, API documentation? Why even?

This one is obvious. First your code is perfect, first time, every time and lines per hour is the only KPI that matters!

Why slow yourself down?

When Jane asks “What about when you have to make changes 6 months down the track?”, tell her that obviously it’s your code and you’ll know exactly how to modify it.

“One tool, all the jobs!”

What’s more time consuming than learning how to use one tool? Learning how to use two tools, duh!

So you’re in a position where you get to decide what tools to use. Just pick your one size fits all tool.

When the up tops ask you to justify your choice, just say that `It was developed by ${bigCompany} and they used it for ${bigPlatform}!`. Have a smug look on your face while they all nod and agree that you’ve made a brilliant decision.

“Ride together, die together!”

Final tip.

The fastest way to become a bad developer is to surround yourself with them. Find a team of like minded individuals and make sure they do all, if not most, of the above.

I hope this helps you on your quest to being the worst developer of all time. I think you’re going to need all the help you can get, because if you’re reading stuff like this you’re already way behind.